I don't talk. I might speak occasionally, but never do I actually talk to anyone, at any time. If I have something important that requires "talking," I write it down and e-mail, mail, or even just hand it to whomever needs to know.
I have no problem with my system of silence. It is in my nature to keep superfluous thoughts to myself. (Also why I post so rarely here.) Small talk is boring and unnecessary, and interesting subjects are too hard to explain to people. I'm not going to teach someone astrophysics in the small hope that they'd then want to discuss the shape of space.
My Dear Mother does not seem to understand why I am not constantly engaging her in conversation. Just this afternoon she was berating me about it--saying how I will fail life because I can't come up with a continuous stream of irrelevant remarks and questions. I told her plainly, I just don't like to talk much; it's nothing personal. And she said, I know. She doesn't know.
Everything I do, she takes as an attack against her. If I wait too long to do my laundry I'm "testing her patience." If I stay in my room I'm "avoiding her." If I go outside I'm still "avoiding her." If I'm near her and not talking, there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I not give her a live feed to my thoughts?
She thinks it's weird that we live together and don't have daily chats. Look, ma, I'm not being quiet to piss you off; this is just how I am. If you want to tell me something, go right ahead, but you can't expect me to pull topics out of thin air and then find an appropriate segue. She's not even extraverted!
All right then, I will fail life. Sadly, I don't care. I'm not going to force awkward, pointless conversations to please anyone, let alone my Dear Mother, whom I would've hoped would have learned to be comfortable with my silence by now. I guess she'll get it eventually. I'll be gone in another couple years either way.
This situation is just one more case of the stigma loners carry. You're not talking--you're either stupid or depressed or a future mass murderer. How many jobs have been lost because the employee wasn't "friendly" (ie talkative) enough? How many relationships have broken up because one partner was "antisocial"?
People think loners need to just pick up some social skills and start talking--problem fixed! The real question is, why is being a loner even considered a problem? Maybe people hear our silence, our refusal to participate in mundane niceties, and realize just how pointless their conversations are. No one likes to be judged, so they lash out, criticizing the loner's innate personality. Surprisingly, this tactic doesn't make the loner talk.
I am a loner. I am quiet and private. These traits leave me disinclined to speak. I don't have a problem with it; I wish others could get over it too.
13 June 2010
25 December 2009
It's the Holiday Season
And thankfully, it's almost over. Just a few more hours now of Actual Christmastime. Then the post-holiday cool down. Not too much longer though....
I'm quite ambivalent about Christmas, actually. On the one hand, I shouldn't even being celebrating it. But, you know, I'm still tied to family and must go along with them. Plus, Christmas has become more of a "culture" holiday than a religious one. As far as actually enjoying it, it depends who shows up. My brothers, their spouses, and their dogs? Yes! Excellent! My sister, her husband, and their young children? Not so much.
Let's review:
On Christmas eve the whole extended family got together. Lots of people in one small house, three-quarters of whom dislike? No thanks. Yet there I sat, hours upon hours. I suppose if I enjoyed their chit chat, I might have not been bored out of my mind. As it was, the only break in the monotony was the opening of presents. Not to sound ungrateful, but it was really a waste on all sides. I told people that if they wanted to give me something, let it be money because that's all I need. I don't need (or want, for that matter) socks. Or lotion. Or pajama bottoms that are three inches too long, etc. However, I desperately need a college education, which You could help pay for. But why bother contributing to something that matters, amirite?
Speaking of ridiculously high university costs, my brother-in-law (whom you may remember from a previous post of mine about childfree-ness) tried to convince me to apply for Stanford because if I do well enough, it would be free. All right, let's have a look. What do I want in a college...? Small student body; undergraduates only; neuroscience Bachelors degree; laid-back, yet studious, atmosphere. Okay. The college I'm interested in: check, check, check, and check. Stanford: oh-for-four.
The tricky thing is try to explain just what it is about my preferred institution that makes it so appealing to me. There is no one trait about it, or even a list of traits, that made me decided This Is the One. It just seems to fit me nicely, and the whole attitude there feels right. (Hopefully this is Ne speaking and not, say, Fi.) This feeling is not easy to explain, especially on-the-spot, aloud, and to critical ears. Not being able to properly articulate my connection to this university left me with no argument when BIL took it upon himself to find me a college that met my concrete "checks" and provided generous aid.
Even if I really do need to find a cheaper college, I can't just dump my best find on a whim! I'm sure there are other colleges out there that would have this same feeling for me, but it's kind of like falling in love. For monogamists, you can date all you want, and it's all fun and good. But then you fall in love with someone. You start taking things seriously, and you make the relationship exclusive. Maybe there's more people out there that you could also love, but you don't just keep looking even when you've found a good match!
The analogy isn't perfect, obviously. I do still need back-up colleges to which to apply. The truth of the matter, though, is that I am pretty much set on this one, and I'll work out the cost later. They have financial aid. It's not like BIL's finds are the only places that help you out.
Besides analyzing colleges, I spent Christmas day trying to be sociable and nice. I don't think it worked out very well. I just can't handle people for hours at a time. Whenever I tried to escape into my bedroom the smaller of the two children would follow soon after and start banging on my door. Of course, the parents plainly ignored this. Time "with family" was time spent listening to the sproglings fight, whine, cry, and generally be unpleasant and loud. Even when they're not actually screaming, they are loud. Their voices are loud. Their footsteps are loud. Their toys are loud. Their very presence is loud. I'd get specific about their behavior, but I really don't think I'm ready to relive all those moments... :shudder:. Let's just say, I'm glad they left early.
Of course the holidays weren't all bad. I indulged in sweets and got Half Blood Prince on DVD. The college debate rekindled my love for my preferred institution. I guess even having sprog here just served to remind me why I will never make children a part of my life. Nevertheless, I'm glad it's over now. Once a year might be too often.
I'm quite ambivalent about Christmas, actually. On the one hand, I shouldn't even being celebrating it. But, you know, I'm still tied to family and must go along with them. Plus, Christmas has become more of a "culture" holiday than a religious one. As far as actually enjoying it, it depends who shows up. My brothers, their spouses, and their dogs? Yes! Excellent! My sister, her husband, and their young children? Not so much.
Let's review:
On Christmas eve the whole extended family got together. Lots of people in one small house, three-quarters of whom dislike? No thanks. Yet there I sat, hours upon hours. I suppose if I enjoyed their chit chat, I might have not been bored out of my mind. As it was, the only break in the monotony was the opening of presents. Not to sound ungrateful, but it was really a waste on all sides. I told people that if they wanted to give me something, let it be money because that's all I need. I don't need (or want, for that matter) socks. Or lotion. Or pajama bottoms that are three inches too long, etc. However, I desperately need a college education, which You could help pay for. But why bother contributing to something that matters, amirite?
Speaking of ridiculously high university costs, my brother-in-law (whom you may remember from a previous post of mine about childfree-ness) tried to convince me to apply for Stanford because if I do well enough, it would be free. All right, let's have a look. What do I want in a college...? Small student body; undergraduates only; neuroscience Bachelors degree; laid-back, yet studious, atmosphere. Okay. The college I'm interested in: check, check, check, and check. Stanford: oh-for-four.
The tricky thing is try to explain just what it is about my preferred institution that makes it so appealing to me. There is no one trait about it, or even a list of traits, that made me decided This Is the One. It just seems to fit me nicely, and the whole attitude there feels right. (Hopefully this is Ne speaking and not, say, Fi.) This feeling is not easy to explain, especially on-the-spot, aloud, and to critical ears. Not being able to properly articulate my connection to this university left me with no argument when BIL took it upon himself to find me a college that met my concrete "checks" and provided generous aid.
Even if I really do need to find a cheaper college, I can't just dump my best find on a whim! I'm sure there are other colleges out there that would have this same feeling for me, but it's kind of like falling in love. For monogamists, you can date all you want, and it's all fun and good. But then you fall in love with someone. You start taking things seriously, and you make the relationship exclusive. Maybe there's more people out there that you could also love, but you don't just keep looking even when you've found a good match!
The analogy isn't perfect, obviously. I do still need back-up colleges to which to apply. The truth of the matter, though, is that I am pretty much set on this one, and I'll work out the cost later. They have financial aid. It's not like BIL's finds are the only places that help you out.
Besides analyzing colleges, I spent Christmas day trying to be sociable and nice. I don't think it worked out very well. I just can't handle people for hours at a time. Whenever I tried to escape into my bedroom the smaller of the two children would follow soon after and start banging on my door. Of course, the parents plainly ignored this. Time "with family" was time spent listening to the sproglings fight, whine, cry, and generally be unpleasant and loud. Even when they're not actually screaming, they are loud. Their voices are loud. Their footsteps are loud. Their toys are loud. Their very presence is loud. I'd get specific about their behavior, but I really don't think I'm ready to relive all those moments... :shudder:. Let's just say, I'm glad they left early.
Of course the holidays weren't all bad. I indulged in sweets and got Half Blood Prince on DVD. The college debate rekindled my love for my preferred institution. I guess even having sprog here just served to remind me why I will never make children a part of my life. Nevertheless, I'm glad it's over now. Once a year might be too often.
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