You're shocked that I've made two posts this month, aren't you?
---
My first choice college seems like a wonderful place. Rigorous academics, interested profs, small-yet-diverse student body...all surrounded by a quaint town with beautiful weather.... It also happens to be completely across the country.
This doesn't particularly bother me, but my mother is horrified by the very idea of it. Despite the fact that I could call and write to her whenever and see her twice a year, she seems to think I'll be homesick. In fact, she is now actively pressuring me to pick a college near home, but there is only one college in a 1000-mile radius that I'd even consider attending. And it is nowhere near as awesome as my first choice.
I just don't understand her point. I mean, I'm not going to be around here the whole rest of my life. What's the difference if I get out before college or after? I get that it's a mom thing, wanting to keep her baby as close to her as possible for as long as possible, but really it's just annoying.
I'm not particularly close to my family (or anyone else round here), so I truly don't think I will even be homesick. I guess I might miss some aspects of home, but nothing strong enough to turn me away from that beautiful establishment of post-secondary education. It's a little frustrating that my own mother can't even see how detached I am from everything here.
I think when I told her how I wanted to travel, she didn't really get it. She thinks I'm going to settle down in the city, get married, have 2 kids, and make occasional trips to Mexico. No thanks. When I say I want to travel, I mean I really want to explore the world. Backpacking through Europe will be the first adventure, and who knows what after that. Maybe I'll live in the city here, maybe some village in Switzerland. I just don't know yet. Maybe I'll find a life partner, but more likely I'll go it alone. And I just won't be having kids--no maybe's for that one.
The point of all that is I am going to be away from home. Whether I miss this place or not, I'm not going to stay here. So why keep putting it off? I need to see the world, and college will be the first step towards it.
28 June 2009
24 June 2009
The Inclusive Community
After browsing through various forums and blogs dedicated to asexuality, I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the community.
I feel that it is far too broad. Inclusiveness is great, but too much and the whole group loses its meaning. For example, demisexuals. Just because you're not AS sexual as you think other people are, doesn't make you part of the ace community. It boggles my mind that some people claim to be asexual and then say how they actually do desire and enjoy partnered sex. Well, which is it?
The real issue here is the media. The media's got everyone thinking how they need to always want sex! You don't want sex right this second? Sure you do, you're just repressing it! This attitude leaves the "average sexual" (as opposed to hyper-sexual) with three options: (1)pretend ze does in fact want sex all the time, (2)actively speak out about hir difference, or (3)realize that ze is actually normal.
Unfortunately, fewer and fewer people are choosing Option 3. And the more people choose Option 1, the more other people feel alienated and choose Option 2. Now, I'm not saying there is no "demisexual" category between asexuality and average sexuals. I just think it's overused, misused.
Let's look at two cases:
Case A: "Joanna"
Joanna had never before wanted sex or thought of someone as sexy, and she began identifying as asexual. Several years later, she began dating someone. As she got to know this person, she became increasingly attracted to hir. They had sex, and Joanna enjoyed it. Eventually, they broke up, and Joanna realized that she only experiences sexual attraction to people she is already "emotionally" attracted to.
Case B: "Sarah"
Sarah always hears her friends talking about how hot people are. Sarah is only attracted to a specific type of person. She started identifying as a demisexual because she doesn't seem to experience sexual attraction as much as her friends. She had gone out with several people and had enjoyed the sexual relationships with them; some of them she didn't even feel emotionally connected with. She realized she desires sex, but continues to identify as demi because she feels her desires are less than others'.
Hopefully you can see where this is going, but just in case: Joanna is demisexual because on occasion she experiences sexual attraction to people she is already emotionally attracted to. Sarah is a normal sexual, who abuses the demisexual ID to deal with the peer pressure to always want sex. Do you see the difference? Demisexual does not mean "picky." It means you are only attracted to the inner beauty of your partner.
Everyone in the ace community is so worried about being inclusive, we are letting people blatantly abuse the labels we came up with. (And I say "we" to avoid grammatical confusion. I myself did not come up with the things.) As an aromantic asexual, I feel my group being stuffed away into a little corner, to make room for aces and demis with more normal-looking relationships.
Aromanticism, which was once the assumed secondary orientation of all aces, is on its way to being swept under the rug. In an effort to make asexuals seem "normal" to the general public, the demis and even the romantics are going to become center stage. "See, we have relationships too! We have sex too! We want to have sex! We're just like you!"
But we aren't. Asexuals are fundamentally different than sexuals--that's why the label was created, to express our difference. It is wonderful that so much diversity can be contained in one label, but we must be careful with it. We must present all faces, or else break up into separate groups.
And speaking of breaking into separate groups...
A Life's second episode talked about how AVEN has too much "hold" over the whole community, and I think this is a very accurate observation. I seem to be the only asexual who hasn't even joined the forums, let alone post regularly. We, as a community, need to branch out and create subdivisions. Keep AVEN as the overarching Ace HQ, but make new homes for demis, straight-aces, gay-aces, aromantics, bi-aces, and any others.
Without new branches, people will eventually get fed up and leave the asexual community completely. And then I won't be the only one bitching about too much inclusiveness.
I feel that it is far too broad. Inclusiveness is great, but too much and the whole group loses its meaning. For example, demisexuals. Just because you're not AS sexual as you think other people are, doesn't make you part of the ace community. It boggles my mind that some people claim to be asexual and then say how they actually do desire and enjoy partnered sex. Well, which is it?
The real issue here is the media. The media's got everyone thinking how they need to always want sex! You don't want sex right this second? Sure you do, you're just repressing it! This attitude leaves the "average sexual" (as opposed to hyper-sexual) with three options: (1)pretend ze does in fact want sex all the time, (2)actively speak out about hir difference, or (3)realize that ze is actually normal.
Unfortunately, fewer and fewer people are choosing Option 3. And the more people choose Option 1, the more other people feel alienated and choose Option 2. Now, I'm not saying there is no "demisexual" category between asexuality and average sexuals. I just think it's overused, misused.
Let's look at two cases:
Case A: "Joanna"
Joanna had never before wanted sex or thought of someone as sexy, and she began identifying as asexual. Several years later, she began dating someone. As she got to know this person, she became increasingly attracted to hir. They had sex, and Joanna enjoyed it. Eventually, they broke up, and Joanna realized that she only experiences sexual attraction to people she is already "emotionally" attracted to.
Case B: "Sarah"
Sarah always hears her friends talking about how hot people are. Sarah is only attracted to a specific type of person. She started identifying as a demisexual because she doesn't seem to experience sexual attraction as much as her friends. She had gone out with several people and had enjoyed the sexual relationships with them; some of them she didn't even feel emotionally connected with. She realized she desires sex, but continues to identify as demi because she feels her desires are less than others'.
Hopefully you can see where this is going, but just in case: Joanna is demisexual because on occasion she experiences sexual attraction to people she is already emotionally attracted to. Sarah is a normal sexual, who abuses the demisexual ID to deal with the peer pressure to always want sex. Do you see the difference? Demisexual does not mean "picky." It means you are only attracted to the inner beauty of your partner.
Everyone in the ace community is so worried about being inclusive, we are letting people blatantly abuse the labels we came up with. (And I say "we" to avoid grammatical confusion. I myself did not come up with the things.) As an aromantic asexual, I feel my group being stuffed away into a little corner, to make room for aces and demis with more normal-looking relationships.
Aromanticism, which was once the assumed secondary orientation of all aces, is on its way to being swept under the rug. In an effort to make asexuals seem "normal" to the general public, the demis and even the romantics are going to become center stage. "See, we have relationships too! We have sex too! We want to have sex! We're just like you!"
But we aren't. Asexuals are fundamentally different than sexuals--that's why the label was created, to express our difference. It is wonderful that so much diversity can be contained in one label, but we must be careful with it. We must present all faces, or else break up into separate groups.
And speaking of breaking into separate groups...
A Life's second episode talked about how AVEN has too much "hold" over the whole community, and I think this is a very accurate observation. I seem to be the only asexual who hasn't even joined the forums, let alone post regularly. We, as a community, need to branch out and create subdivisions. Keep AVEN as the overarching Ace HQ, but make new homes for demis, straight-aces, gay-aces, aromantics, bi-aces, and any others.
Without new branches, people will eventually get fed up and leave the asexual community completely. And then I won't be the only one bitching about too much inclusiveness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)