I am out to only a handful of people, and I don't plan on outing myself much more. As someone who is both genderqueer and asexual, I often (am made to) feel guilty about not being out to people, as though it's a missed opportunity to educate them. But I do at least have reasons.
For one thing, I am not secretive about my orientation or gender. I may be in the closet, but the door is open. If people care to look in, I'll gladly meet them with explanations. I just do not care to broadcast personal information--of any kind. And how would I broadcast it? I wear jeans and T-shirts, my hair is atypical for my sex, I have never dated or expressed attraction to people of any gender. It's just hard for people to perceive a "lack" of something as an actual identity. If you're a gay man, you can just show interest in a guy, and you're out. But asexuals have to explicitly tell people that we "do not experience sexual attraction," which is just an awkward thing to do.
The other reason I'm not really out is that I don't think people would believe me. I fear that anyone I tell will laugh it off, and say of course not! Of course you're not asexual! You'll want sex when you're older! Of course you're not trans! You're just going through a phase, all teenagers do! You're just trying to be different, you're just thinking about it too much, you're just confused!
What would I even do if someone told me that? Not some jackass on the Internet, but an actual person that I cared for enough to tell? Others already tell me they know me better than I know myself in regards to having children. How would their reactions be to queerness? And then even worse is secretly thinking I'm confused/whatever, and "humoring" me. Patronizing me. Oh, okay, whatever you say! Mhm!
Even if they genuinely believe me at first, my identity is in near-constant flux. Sometimes just the specific labels I use change, but other times the whole concept shifts. I accept the fluidity as a natural part of discovering myself while I'm still developing. (Of course, we're always developing to some extent.) But people who are reluctant to trust me when I originally come out to them definitely won't believe me if I end up "changing my mind" later!
For a real life example, I came out to a close, but conservative, friend as an "androgyne who likes girls." And I'm happy he knows that! But then later, it's no longer accurate; now I am a "null-gender asexual person." If I purposefully allow him to continue thinking of me in a way that's outdated, it's like lying. He has a false notion of me. We're back to square one--but worse, because now he thinks he truly knows my identity. However, if I do "update" him, he'll think I don't really know myself at all! My queerness will loose credibility. And if I change my descriptors again and update him again? Say goodbye to any remaining belief.
I do wish people could know my exact identity and accept it and be fine, but between this whole credibility issue and the general awkwardness of explicitly coming out, I don't plan on leaving the closet any time soon.
