Gender, An Explanation

So despite my last post about hating to come out, I've decided to tell a couple more people about my gender. First on the list is my old English teacher, who is a sort of mentor/father figure to me. He's very tolerant and aware of queer issues, so I'm not worried about him freaking out about it. However, it has made me think about how to define my gender in a way that other (cisgender) people can understand, or at least not be completely confused.

I identify as part of both genderqueer and transgender communities. For me, these are umbrella terms; I usually call myself a "null-gender guy." I am aware that many people would see that as self-contradictory--I myself once thought so. But I am wiser now.

No sane person disputes the existence of transsexuals, so we can conclude that physical sex stands independent of gender. Everyone can also agree that there are cisgender men who are feminine and cisgender women who are masculine. Therefore, we can fairly say that femininity and masculinity (gender roles*) are independent of both physical sex and gender identity.

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*Perhaps the phrase I want is "gender expression" or even "attributes"; this is blurry to me. But that's just semantics. The case stands.
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We also must acknowledge the contrast between two sorts of masculine females--masculine women and masculine transmen. Although both are physically female and adopt the same gender role, their gender identities are different. Gender identity is tricky to explain; it is just an innate feeling of "man," "woman," or something else. Note also that there exists both masculine men and feminine men; gender identity is independent of both physical sex and the gender role.

So, we can now see that physical sex, gender role, and gender identity are not at all codependent, despite the binary "female=feminine=woman" or "male=masculine=man" dogma. Once we stop seeing these aspects as all tied up with each other, gender as a subject becomes much more clear. I'll be the example:

Physical Sex
I am female. I am not male or intersex.

Gender Role
I am null-gender. I am not particularly feminine or masculine. I do not care to label individual aspects of my personality as such.

Gender Identity
I identify as a guy. I am certainly not a woman, but I'm not really a man either. As least where I live, "guy" is used as a fairly neutral descriptor, and it would not be at all odd to greet a group of women with "hey, guys!" Of course, in the singular form, it usually refers to a man, but that works for me. I do feel closer to a man than a woman. And, I think I would feel less social dysphoria if perceived as male. Let's just say that if I were physically male, I wouldn't feel a need to ponder my gender so often. So, "guy" it is.

We can put these individual traits together to form a coherent picture of a person's gender (female/null-gender/guy). Of course the interplay of the individual traits will give rise to an identity greater than the sum of its parts, similar to Myers-Briggs personality types. But it's a start.

Coming out is going to be scary. I get anxious just thinking about it. But now that I can fully articulate my identity, it will be easy for others to understand, and in turn, easier for them to accept. Here's hoping.

"Coming Out"

I am out to only a handful of people, and I don't plan on outing myself much more. As someone who is both genderqueer and asexual, I often (am made to) feel guilty about not being out to people, as though it's a missed opportunity to educate them. But I do at least have reasons.

For one thing, I am not secretive about my orientation or gender. I may be in the closet, but the door is open. If people care to look in, I'll gladly meet them with explanations. I just do not care to broadcast personal information--of any kind. And how would I broadcast it? I wear jeans and T-shirts, my hair is atypical for my sex, I have never dated or expressed attraction to people of any gender. It's just hard for people to perceive a "lack" of something as an actual identity. If you're a gay man, you can just show interest in a guy, and you're out. But asexuals have to explicitly tell people that we "do not experience sexual attraction," which is just an awkward thing to do.

The other reason I'm not really out is that I don't think people would believe me. I fear that anyone I tell will laugh it off, and say of course not! Of course you're not asexual! You'll want sex when you're older! Of course you're not trans! You're just going through a phase, all teenagers do! You're just trying to be different, you're just thinking about it too much, you're just confused!

What would I even do if someone told me that? Not some jackass on the Internet, but an actual person that I cared for enough to tell? Others already tell me they know me better than I know myself in regards to having children. How would their reactions be to queerness? And then even worse is secretly thinking I'm confused/whatever, and "humoring" me. Patronizing me. Oh, okay, whatever you say! Mhm!

Even if they genuinely believe me at first, my identity is in near-constant flux. Sometimes just the specific labels I use change, but other times the whole concept shifts. I accept the fluidity as a natural part of discovering myself while I'm still developing. (Of course, we're always developing to some extent.) But people who are reluctant to trust me when I originally come out to them definitely won't believe me if I end up "changing my mind" later!

For a real life example, I came out to a close, but conservative, friend as an "androgyne who likes girls." And I'm happy he knows that! But then later, it's no longer accurate; now I am a "null-gender asexual person." If I purposefully allow him to continue thinking of me in a way that's outdated, it's like lying. He has a false notion of me. We're back to square one--but worse, because now he thinks he truly knows my identity. However, if I do "update" him, he'll think I don't really know myself at all! My queerness will loose credibility. And if I change my descriptors again and update him again? Say goodbye to any remaining belief.

I do wish people could know my exact identity and accept it and be fine, but between this whole credibility issue and the general awkwardness of explicitly coming out, I don't plan on leaving the closet any time soon.

Quiet, Please

I don't talk. I might speak occasionally, but never do I actually talk to anyone, at any time. If I have something important that requires "talking," I write it down and e-mail, mail, or even just hand it to whomever needs to know.

I have no problem with my system of silence. It is in my nature to keep superfluous thoughts to myself. (Also why I post so rarely here.) Small talk is boring and unnecessary, and interesting subjects are too hard to explain to people. I'm not going to teach someone astrophysics in the small hope that they'd then want to discuss the shape of space.

My Dear Mother does not seem to understand why I am not constantly engaging her in conversation. Just this afternoon she was berating me about it--saying how I will fail life because I can't come up with a continuous stream of irrelevant remarks and questions. I told her plainly, I just don't like to talk much; it's nothing personal. And she said, I know. She doesn't know.

Everything I do, she takes as an attack against her. If I wait too long to do my laundry I'm "testing her patience." If I stay in my room I'm "avoiding her." If I go outside I'm still "avoiding her." If I'm near her and not talking, there must be something wrong with me, because why else would I not give her a live feed to my thoughts?

She thinks it's weird that we live together and don't have daily chats. Look, ma, I'm not being quiet to piss you off; this is just how I am. If you want to tell me something, go right ahead, but you can't expect me to pull topics out of thin air and then find an appropriate segue. She's not even extraverted!

All right then, I will fail life. Sadly, I don't care. I'm not going to force awkward, pointless conversations to please anyone, let alone my Dear Mother, whom I would've hoped would have learned to be comfortable with my silence by now. I guess she'll get it eventually. I'll be gone in another couple years either way.

This situation is just one more case of the stigma loners carry. You're not talking--you're either stupid or depressed or a future mass murderer. How many jobs have been lost because the employee wasn't "friendly" (ie talkative) enough? How many relationships have broken up because one partner was "antisocial"?

People think loners need to just pick up some social skills and start talking--problem fixed! The real question is, why is being a loner even considered a problem? Maybe people hear our silence, our refusal to participate in mundane niceties, and realize just how pointless their conversations are. No one likes to be judged, so they lash out, criticizing the loner's innate personality. Surprisingly, this tactic doesn't make the loner talk.

I am a loner. I am quiet and private. These traits leave me disinclined to speak. I don't have a problem with it; I wish others could get over it too.